New Star Treks SUCK

Posted: June 11, 2013 in Movies
Tags: , , , ,

I’m not going to whine about how they abandoned cannon and continuity. Instead, I am going to whine (briefly) about how much I fucking hate casual action films in general and how disgusting it is to see a cerebral series made into yet another shoot em up–tits in your face–gratuitous action flick. I loath the type of shit films that get released for the general popcorn munching masses. Mostly because those films aren’t trying to target anyone like me and therefore I feel lonely and left out. *sob*

In my very isolated opinion, when one decides to make a film, one should first ask whether it should be made at all. Why are you making it? What is it you’re trying to accomplish? What story are you trying to tell? All I see when I watch these films is money-grubbing and lens flares.

Highlights of the movies
“Stop exploding, you cowards!”

Money is your reason? FINE. I don’t blame you. I blame the people who pay to see your garbage. Just don’t expect me (a self-respecting, sentient, bipedal humanoid) to bend over and enjoy it.

I don’t care how flashy (literally) or fast-paced or explodey the films are. Nor do I care about how many ass-shots the random new useless female character had. And I certainly don’t give a flying fuck about who the films themselves were made by. If I’m going to judge people by their work, I will judge them on a case by case basis. This case? FUCK J.J. Abrams.

Oh, and fuck you other-trekkies. You can’t just say ‘its a good movie but a bad star trek film’. It doesn’t work that way. Its either good at what it is or it isn’t any good at all. (it isn’t).
Look, I get it: the originals are dated. They needed to reach new markets.
So instead of reviving ST with a sense of dignity and a story about social commentary that ST is famous for, they shit on any and all military or diplomatic ideals, make it a brainless action movie, and fill the cast with professional teenager-lookalikes. Somehow this makes me think of Tiny Toons — its the same characters just painted for a much younger, much dumber audience (not that the Toons were particularly clever to begin with).
The whole thing feels like a prepubescent boy’s wet dream. “Fuck the rules, cultural differences, societal issues, gender boundaries, racial tensions, and discipline — give the keys to the starship to the brash idiot. Oh and throw in a good measure of anti-logic and gaping plot holes.”

Then again, to be fair, I was never a Kirk fan.

Set a course for SEXAH
“You win again, gravity!”

Oh yeah. The plot holes. Look, I’m willing to suspend my disbelief in so far as the universe I’m entering is demanding…the aliens and the star fleet and the spaceships. But when you break your own fucking logic every godsdamned movie, its just BAD WRITING. Its called pulling a Deux Ex Machina out of your ass. STOP IT!
I’m not going to list all these plot holes, frankly because others have done it Already and Better.

You like these movies? You think they’re ‘fun’? Great. Have your fun. I’m all for brainless euphoria.
Wait, nevermind. I think they’re the same old tired shit bereft of interesting villains, relatable heroes, ‘free’ of the logic of their own universes and are therefore unwatchable, uninteresting, counter-creative trash. Such are the worlds you pay to see.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. I kinda liked ’em. Though I’m sure if they ever did a Voyager reboot in the ‘action movie’ style I’d loathe it too cus its my fav! ^_^

  2. VTMike says:

    Dude. Thank you. My thoughts exactly.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s